FAQ: Daily Life and Travel Planning

• How much money did you spend while there?

I took $3000 but spent just less than $2000. I did not buy as many souvenirs as I wanted to buy, but probably spent about $200-300 on "gifts" for my girls and others. We also spent about $75 total at the salon (one massage and 2 separate hair dos for my mom and Abigail plus tips). Our biggest expenses were the guest house and the driver, which were both quite reasonable. Group meals ran between $60-100 ETB ($6-10 USD) per adult. We got double macchiatos daily from Kaldi's at $8.33 ETB ($0.83 USD).

• How much eating did you do???? (I know this sounds like a dumb question but it just popped up in my head)

I may be the only person who ever went to Ethiopia and gained weight. I loved the food and ate until I was full at every meal. Plus, with a 6 year old and a toddler, we ate lots of snacks! We were not sick, and like I said, I really liked the food in general (don't order mac-n-cheese unless you like goat cheese, though!)

• Was there a coffee ceremony or greeting-day ceremony?

On embassy day, we met at the Gladney Care Center (baby house) for a coffee ceremony and then toured the facilities. Normally, Waguyu would also prepare a coffee ceremony for us, but he had many family members visiting from all over Europe, so he was busy- and WE were busy!

Because your travel group will all arrive at different times and from different airlines, etc, the first (and in our case) and only time you might see some of your group is on embassy day. All of the events/meals are optional (except the embassy:) so plan on going at your own pace and doing the things that are right for your family. I do highly recommend that you take the time to go to the orphanages. You can take your children with you to the orphanages, and it is well worth the experience.

• Did anyone tape or photograph the first time you laid eyes/arms on Anna?

We had the assistance of Phillip (Gladney volunteer) as well as M&R to take videos and pictures of our "placement." it was really great to have the 2 views- as you probably saw in the Ethiopia Montages.

• Did you have pre-planned questions for Anna's birthmom or did you just go with the flow?

Yes, I had a few questions I knew I wanted to ask. But I also knew I would go with the flow. The social worker who was there to act as a facilitator and interpreter prodded Anna's b-mom to tell the story of how Anna "came to be."

Some of the "must ask" questions were:

1. Family Medical History
2. Any medical history for Anna during the year she was with you? Did she receive any medical care or medications?
3. Any complications during pregnancy or labor?
4. Why did you choose the name Misrak?
5. What would you like the baby to know about you?
6. Would you like to exchange letters/photos through Gladney as the baby grows?
7. What would you like to know about me and my family?
8. What can you tell me about the baby's father?
9. Who does the baby look like?

Some other questions I also asked were:

1. What was your favorite subject as a child?
2. What was your favorite activity (sports, music, art, etc...)?
3. What was your family like? Do you have brothers or sisters?
4. What was your favorite childhood memory?
5. What would you like the baby to call you (right now we call you her first mom)?
6. What would you like the baby to be/do when she grows up?

I also shared quite a bit about our family, including what I plan for the girls as they grow (including that both girls will have the chance to go to University and will be raised in the church.) When Anna's b-mom learned that both my sister and I are nurses, she said that is what Anna should be when she grows up:)

I was also privileged to get pictures and video of Anna and her b-mom walking outdoors together, playing, and singing/dancing together. As much as it was difficult to let Anna go to her b-mom, it was also so easy- I knew that this was probably the only opportunity I would have to get pictures of them together, and for Anna's sake, I wanted some that were natural and relaxed, so that she could see how beautiful her b-mom is.

The birthmom meeting was difficult and wonderful, and if you have the chance, I recommend that you take the opportunity to meet. I think Anna's b-mom also appreciated meeting Abigail and my mom. I gave her a book with pictures of our family, and explained who each person was, and I think it made her really happy to know that so many people already loved and wanted Anna.

• What type of carrier/sling would you recommend?

I took 2 carries with me which I wrote about here. I like them both, and used them both. I used the UBW when we went to the orphanages. It was a long day, and that was far more comfortable getting in and out of the car than the HH would have been. Since we did not take a stroller (and would not have had enough hands to manage a stroller in the airport anyway) I used my HH while we were grabbing our luggage. It is easier to put on while still on the airplane (the UBW takes a while- and space! to get it on right) and it was helpful to not have to carry the baby while trying to claim our luggage:)

If I could only take one, I would have taken the HH. It adjusts easily, and while I would not want to wear it for an all-day trip, I could have easily shared the duties with my mom if we only had the HH.

FAQ: Care Centers/Orphanages

Before I respond to your questions about the care centers and orphanages, I want to take a minute to clarify the difference between the two, especially since I don't know who all is reading this!

Did you know that in the US, we do not have any orphanage, and we haven't had them for decades? American children, for better or worse, are in the foster care system or placed into group homes.

In Ethiopia, there are orphanages. There are private orphanages, and government run/sponsored orphanages. I was able to visit 3 government run orphanages during my trip: Kolfe (for boys age 12+ years), Kechene (for boys and girls 0-12 years and older girls age 12+ years), and Kebebe (for boys and girls age 0-12 years.)

Try to imagine what these orphanages are like. Have you ever visited a developing nation? I never had, and because of that, I really had no frame of reference for what to expect at the orphanages.

The facilities that we visited were all built in the 1960s or before. Updates and renovations all seem to be sponsored by NGOs or individuals, so as you can imagine, the facilities are not always "modern." (Ryan explained that one of the orphanages only got indoor plumbing within the last few years- and only because a NGO sponsored the renovations.) Kolfe is by far the most "behind" in terms of facilities, and Gladney does use a portion (I have no idea what portion) of the humanitarian aid and donations to help better the facilities and education of the boys at this orphanage. Gladney also works with the other government-run orphanages to try to meet some of the needs there.

The orphanages are not staffed as you would expect, given the US standards for caregiver-child ratios in day cares and group homes. At Kebebe, the "baby room" had one adult and one older girl (maybe age 10?) to care for about 20+ babies and toddlers. For the older children, I saw 1 or 2 caregivers for about 50 kids. These employees are also responsible for cleaning the children's rooms and common areas, as far as I can tell. Thankfully, the "older" kids tend to look out for the "younger" kids (ie- the 7 year olds take care of the 3 year olds.) Not at all what I expected, but this is the way things are in Ethiopia. This is their "normal."

Basically, the government provides food, some clothes, and a few employees for these orphanages... that's not much when you consider that these orphanages are supporting about 125+ children, each. Every penny of aid supplied to these orphanages is needed. Every penny.

Now, the Gladney Care Centers are different. For most of us, our children come to the Gladney care centers from an orphanage, or perhaps they are relinquished, processed through a private orphanage, and sent directly to the care center. I am not sure if some of the older children are placed directly from the orphanages, but I believe all the kids spend time at the care center before placement.

If I had to make a comparison, I would say that the Gladney Care Centers are similar to a 24 hour day care. Now, I don't mean a day care by US standards, but the care centers are very nice by Ethiopian standards. They are in a very nice neighborhood, and the homes are nice and large by Ethiopian standards. The care centers are kept clean, and the kids have clean clothes and nutritious foods.

Now, you have to keep in mind that it would be unfair to compare these care centers to similar US centers. Ethiopia simply does not have the same resources as the US, and they don't have access to the same supplies. Similarly, there are vast differences in culture when it comes to raising, teaching, and nurturing children. We cannot expect that the care centers will be like the US when they are in Ethiopia and run by Ethiopians.

Additionally, some of the things you would expect in a US center are simply not logical in an Ethiopian care center. For instance, toys that require electricity or batteries are just not going to work well or last long in Ethiopia- at least not in the way they were intended. Additionally, the care centers are constantly fighting against germs- viruses, bacteria, fungi, protozoa, etc. In the US, we worry about colds or maybe the flu spreading among the kids in a day care; in Ethiopia, they not only worry about colds, the flu, pneumonia, and such, but they also have to worry about diseases like giardia, ringworm, and tapeworms. So the equipment and toys in the Ethiopian care centers need to be very easy to clean and hold up well to frequent cleanings.

Keeping that in mind, I think the care centers are very nice by Ethiopian standards. The employees were constantly cleaning... well, everything! The caregivers were interacting with the kids, and the primary caregiver for each child knew exactly where that child was developmentally, as well as how to make them laugh within seconds:)

Now for some specific questions:

• What was the orphanage like?

I have described the actual orphanage and care center facilities above. But I don't think that is what this question is about... The orphanages were overwhelming. There were so many sweet children, and all I could think was "who will be their mommy? Who will tuck them in tonight? Who will tell them what they were like as babies, and when they got their first tooth, and when they started walking, and what their first word was? Who will love them?" For me, it was one of the saddest parts of the trip- especially for the Kebebe and Kechene orphanages, where kids younger than Abigail were looking after toddlers.

The care centers were a totally different experience. In a way, they were more chaotic because there were so many more people- especially adults- trying to talk to you. But it was a more hopeful experience for me, because I knew who would be the mommies and daddies for these babies. I knew that each and every one of them was going to be matched or had been matched to a family who desperately wanted and loved them. I guess I "worried" less about them- and I knew that until their mommies and daddies could come get them, they were being loved and cared for by some wonderful women.

• Did they have enough toys?

Honestly, I don't think I saw any toys at the orphanages. I am not sure if they didn't have any, or if I didn't see them, or if they were in such bad shape that I didn't recognize them as toys.

At the GCC, the kids in the baby rooms had a few small toys that floated around the room to whoever was awake. In the toddler room, there were a few toys out when I arrived. I came at a non-play time, so I don't know if there were more toys or what. But honestly, most of the toddlers weren't interested in toys so much as just chasing each other and playing with the caregivers, Abigail, and I.

If you are interested in giving toys to either the orphanages or GCC (I am sure they could be used at both places) I would check with Gladney first. I am not sure if they have a list of specific needs or if the orphanages have restrictions on what you are allowed to give the kids. At any rate, keep in mind that most of the older kids speak very little English, and read even less English,so elaborate books and games would probably not be very popular.

As I said above, keeping things clean and having toys that are easy to clean and can hold up are very important. I think that for older babies/toddlers, some good toys would be plastic blocks, plastic balls, "Little People" type toys/cars/planes/people and plastic dolls. I would avoid those "soft and cuddly" toys because they are so hard to clean and do not hold up well. Additionally, the best kinds of books would be picture board books (the caregivers don't read a lot of English, in general.) The toddler room might also benefit from a small "Step 2" type table and chairs or a small slide.

• Were the kids able to play a lot of the time or were they in their cribs a lot?

At the orphanages, the kids that were not in school pretty much seemed to run around and "play" as they wished. I didn't personally observe any organized play (games, art or whatnot) but that is not necessarily representative of what happens when the Americans are not there... Most of the babies were in their cribs, and the older babies/toddlers were running around in the baby room. I will be honest- it was a bit chaotic!

At the GCC, the babies pretty much seem to stay in their cribs unless they are being held by a caregiver. Within their crib, they can play with toys, sit up with a Boppy pillow, etc. The older babies are pretty active within their cribs, and learn to pull themselves up, grab toys from the caregivers, and in at least one case, terrorize their neighbors:) The older babies who are working on walking skills do spend one-on-one time on the floor with the caregivers, but the older baby area is not made for playing on the floor, so once the older babies can walk independently, they are moved to the toddler room (as space allows.)

In the toddler room, the children have their own cribs, and have toys inside their cribs. They are able to get out of their cribs to play and run around. I think the care givers avoid letting them all out of their cribs at the same time to avoid having too many collisions between those "toddling" toddlers:) But the kids in the toddler room were all very familiar with what to do when their feet hit the floor! And man, some of them were quite fast!

• Were there any obvious needs?

This is a difficult question. At the orphanages, there were lots of obvious needs- more than I could ever list here. The needs were varied- from the need of a physical therapist for one of the children, the need for a VP shunt for another child to correct his poor vision caused by excess fluid in the brain, to the need for more caregivers, food, and clothes. There were a lot of "obvious needs" to me.... but at the same time, the needs were pretty overwhelming. I don't think any of us are prepared to meet the "needs" that an entire orphanage has.


At the GCC, I would not say there were any obvious "needs" but then, I also think my response is being formed based on my ideas of what "needs" are. The children are in safe, comfortable homes. They have enough caregivers, food, clothes, diapers, etc. They don't have as much "stuff" (ie- toys) as American children, but they were clearly having fun and enjoying themselves, so I wouldn't call that a "need." The children were kind, engaging, and responsive (at least to their caregivers). They were, by and far, developmentally appropriate, and had evidence of growing and developing. Therefore, I would say that their "needs" were more than met.


At the same time, there were several things that could enhance their lives, but if I had to make the choice between giving to the GCC and the orphanages (and I am not trying to tell you what to do, just what I would do...) the orphanages have drastic needs. The GCC have "wants."

• Does Gladney run the older kids' homes as well?

Gladney has a "baby house", an "older baby/toddler" house, and an "older children" (age 2+) house. The truth is that we all know older children are less likely to be adopted, and since the roll of the GCC is to provide a "daycare" setting for a child until they are placed for adoption, Gladney simply does not have as many older kids in their care. But the older kids are absolutely adorable! We got to spend some time with them and they are very sweet. I would say that in general, the older kids are much more shy.

• Are the care centers well equipped, or would they still benefit greatly from donations/humanitarian need?

The GCCs are well-equipped, but only because of the continuous influx of humanitarian aid. The $200 of diapers, wipes, formula, clothes, etc. that are required of adoptive parents do, for the most part, stay at Gladney. But what you may not realize is that Gladney gives $1000 of your "fees" as a humanitarian aid donation to be used in Ethiopia. This money has been used towards different projects, such as refurbishing some of the facilities at Kolfe. All of the Ethiopian orphanages would benefit greatly from any donation made. Like I said, the GCCs are nice, and with the humanitarian aid as well as whatever budget Gladney allots them, they do well. But the orphanages are different. Every penny counts there. It's hard to explain until you see it. But once you see it, you will be left with the feeling that you wish you had done more.

Anna: The Stats

Age: 18 months (in 5 days)

Height: 30.25 inches (50th percentile)

Weight: 18.5 lbs (-10th percentile)

Clothing size: 12-18 months

Shoe size: 3

Favorite game: chasing the cat/ playing peek-a-boo

Least favorite activity: Sleeping

Favorite song: The Wheels on the Bus/ The Ants go Marching

Favorite food: vanilla yogurt/ Gerber meat sticks

Least favorite food: Fresh peas/ milkshakes

Favorite word: Momma!

Special Skills/Abilities: Throwing tantrums, going excessive amounts of time without sleep, making everyone laugh with one grunt

Q&A: Travel

Q. Did you buy Anna a seat on the plane or was she on your lap?


A: I did not buy Anna a seat on the plane. At her age, she is not really able to sit in a plane seat by herself, and I did not take a car seat for her to use on the ride home. In fact, she kind of really hated her car seat when we first got home, so I was glad I didn't bother with that. When she was awake (which was not that much) we played, she sat on my lap, my mom's lap, or Abigail's lap, or we went for walks around the cabin.



Q. How did you arrange to get the bassinet on the flight?


A. I cannot tell you the procedure for any other airline, but if you are flying Ethiopian Airlines, the important thing to know is that a bassinet can be requested but cannot be confirmed until you are physically holding your boarding pass. Only 3 bassinets are available per flight. If a boarding pass has already been issued for the seats where the bassinets are, you are out of luck. So the best way to get a bassinet on ETA is to arrive about 3 hours before departure and request it at the time that you are checking in. I did this, and I had no problems whatsoever.


Additionally, the ETA website says something about age restrictions on the bassinet. Anna was 17 months, 29 inches, and 18.5 pounds at the time we traveled, and they did not question my request. She fit nicely, but if your child is more than 30" tall, they will probably be too long for the bassinet.




Q. What travel agent did you use?


A. I didn't use a travel agent. Actually, I booked online directly through the ETA website. They emailed me the itinerary and I printed out the e-ticket receipt which also had my confirmation number on it. When I checked in, I just presented my credit card and they were able to check me in without difficulty. The ETA policy actually states that they prefer that you book online. (And for me, this was the cheapest rate- much cheaper than using my travel agent. Plus, I got to book right away, and not worry about things coming in the mail!)


Before leaving the US, I did call to confirm my seats on Thursday (I left on Saturday.) On the return trip, I did not confirm my seats at all (but then, I knew I would be arriving early for my flight....) When booking online, it will request a lot of info about the travelers, but I only provided names. I figured they would let me know if they needed more info. I did receive a second, separate confirmation email that had the number for the US ETA customer service desk (571-480-5210 or 571-480-5191).

I forgot to request a child's meal for Abigail at the time that I booked, but in retrospect, I would have done that. She did eat parts of the "adult" meal, but I think she would have been happier with mac and cheese:)


Q. How the trip was for Abigail (her health, enjoyment, energy, comfort level, etc...)

A. Abigail was an amazing traveler! She did so well- so much better than I thought she was even capable of doing!

In terms of the flights, she slept well on both flights, and was over her jetlag in Ethiopia within a day or so. Coming home, I would say it has taken her about 6 days to really get "over" her jetlag and back on her normal schedule (there were about 4 mornings where she woke up at 4-5am, but she has since returned to a normal 6-7am wake-up time.)

In Ethiopia, she did quite well. She did not care for the food, so she had French fries and Fanta a lot. She also ate spaghetti and pizza, and burgers sometimes. (Note, mac and cheese in Ethiopia is made with goat cheese or something like that. Abigail did NOT like it!) I took lots of snacks and foods with me, like granola bars, oatmeal, easy mac, cheese and cracker packs, fruit snacks, etc. Abigail never went hungry, but there were days were everything she ate was pre-packaged. She is definitely glad to be back in the US and able to eat "real" (meaning home-made) food. But a week of pre-packaged food was well worth the experience of this trip!

Abigail had no problem with any of the "strangeness" of Ethiopia, like the dogs barking, the unusual public bathrooms or anything like that. More than once we did talk about begging/beggars, the health status of people on the street, and other social/economic issues. I was honest with her, in age-appropriate terms, and we prayed for a lot of people. I think there were moments when she was nervous simply because of the appearance of some of the beggars being so different than what she was used to, and she was really saddened when she saw moms with small babies begging. But overall, I think she really grasped what I was saying, and wanted to do something to help.

Abigail and Anna really bonded on the trip, and she was very helpful in taking Anna for walks around the house or playing with her when I needed to make breakfast or whatnot. Anna really loves her sister!

Q. And in regards to the new rules, how often did you get out with Anna? How was leaving her behind?



A. Because I stayed at a guest house, I was able to take placement on Monday and have Anna with me at the guest house from then on. I think she really would have been freaked out if she left the care center during the day and then had to go back at night, so I really do recommend that you stay at a guest house during your time in Ethiopia, and that you take all opportunities to get to know your child. (I was really glad I had a week of Anna time under my belt when I got on that airplane....)

There are days/times when you can be out and about with your child. For instance, on embassy day, you pretty much have to take your child to lunch in order to be at the embassy on time. I will not elaborate on when/where baby is allowed out, because the enforcement of these rules may change when the court re-opens, and I don't want to create any "well, Grace said on her blog..." :)



Since my mom and I both went, we often traded off going out and going for meals, bringing home food for the other. I did leave Anna with the caregiver from Gladney when we went to the cultural dinner. Anna was quite comfortable, and the caregiver knew her immediately when she saw her. In fact, when we got home, Anna was clean, dry, and sleeping soundly in her crib! It was quite nice!



In retrospect, I would have left Abigail with the caregiver if the situation arouse, but it did not. The caregivers have limited English, but they can certainly communicate, and with a child Abigail's age (a child able to toilet and feed themselves- and watch cartoons!) I think everyone would have been fine!



I think you will be surprised by what you see... the enforcement of these "guidelines" really falls on the individual agencies. Gladney in-country staff does a great job finding balance. I mean, when Anna was sick, there was no question that I was going to take her to the clinic and the pharmacy. I don't want to say anything to make anyone at Gladney upset (and believe me, there were a few "don't put this on your blog, but..." moments:), and I don't want to misrepresent Gladney's stance, but I will say that when you travel, this issue will become more clear.

Preview: Q&A

Here are some questions I will be answering soon:



Relating to travel...

• Did you buy Anna a seat on the plane or was she on your lap?
• How did you arrange to get the bassinet on the flight?
• What travel agent did you use?

Relating to the care centers and orphanages...

• What was the orphanage like?
• Did they have enough toys?
• Were the kids able to play a lot of the time or were they in their cribs a lot?
• Were there any obvious needs?

Relating to planning and budgeting....

• How much money did you spend while there?

Relating to the in-country staff...

• What can they use or what do they want from the US?
• What about the caregivers/gifts?

Do you have any questions? If so, please leave a comment or email me and I will try to respond to all of them in a future post!

FAQ: Offer

Okay, I know a lot of you have questions. How do I know? Well, the emails and the comments for one thing:) But also because I had a lot of questions- and still do- especially as you progress through the adoption timeline.

So, I am opening it up to your questions. They can be questions about paperwork, the process, packing, or even about me!

Email me (yellow_grace at yahoo dot com) or leave a comment. I will compile the questions into a post, and everyone will get to benefit from the knowledge-sharing:)

I don't promise to know everything, but I am happy to give opinions and share what I do know- happy asking!

FAQ

Q: (as was posted on my Christian Ethiopian Adoption Yahoo Group) Are most of the children from Ethiopia AIDS orphans? And..If the birth parents have AIDS or die from it, how can the children not have it, especially young children? Wouldn't they be exposed in utreo and during birth? Are the HIV/AIDS tests given in Ethiopia accurate?

A: These were questions that I had, too, at the beginning of my adoption journey. As I educated myself, I came to believe that under different circumstances, I could, and would, adopt an HIV+ child. I had the pleasure of meeting an HIV+ child recently adopted into the US, and I can tell you this- she was just like any other little girl, and I had no problem letting Abigail play with her. Her HIV status would not have inhibited me from loving her, and I am thankful that she is here in the US and she is healthy!

Here is my response to the question above.

I would suggest that perhaps you and your hubby read "There Is No Me Without You." This book will help you gain a better understanding of the orphan epidemic in Ethiopia.

Children in Ethiopia may be AIDS orphans. However, they may be relinquished due to poverty or other reasons as well. For instance,in Ethiopia, a widowed woman has very little hope of remarrying. Remarrying is one of the only ways she can gain any kind of financial security. Having children from her previous husband makes remarrying even more difficult. So, since she probably can't provide for her kids, and she almost certainly will not remarry if she keeps her kids, she may choose to relinquish them.

I don't think that there are any accurate numbers for how many of the Ethiopian orphans are orphaned by AIDS. But in a world where a woman may work all day and earn only a few cents, the reality is that children are orphaned by poverty just as much as by disease. Additionally, AIDS is not the only disease that can orphan children. Many diseases that are not fatal in developed nations are certainly fatal in developing nations like Ethiopia where access to health care is limited and there is no health care for people who cannot pay for it. TB, malaria, polio, etc can all be causes of illness and death.

Parents may acquire HIV and die from it after children are born. Additionally, just because one or both parents are HIV+ does not mean that the children born of them will be HIV+ as well. In fact,studies from other nations have shown that a child is more likely to acquire HIV from breastfeeding from an HIV+ mom than from being born of an HIV+ parent.

All children are tested for HIV when they are admitted to an orphanage. Depending on your agency, you may have the option of having additional HIV tests done (in general, the real question of accuracy of the HIV tests has to do with which kind of test is done, the age of the child at the time of the test administration, and how recently the child may have had exposure to HIV through birth or breast milk. That is a long and complex discussion, but suffice it to say that with enough HIV tests done at the appropriate times, you can almost certainly trust the negative results of the tests.) Children are also tested for other communicable diseases when they come into the orphanage.

HIV+ children are, generally, not housed with HIV- children once they go into agency-run orphanages. Additionally, to bring an HIV+ child into the US, you have to go through a special procedure with USCIS. If you don't want to adopt an HIV+ child, you can feel confident that you won't, as the children as also tested for HIV at the American Embassy in Addis before they are permitted to leave Ethiopia.

Please keep in mind that HIV/AIDS is not as scary as it used to be. Because of the amazing anti-retroviral (ARV) drugs that we have, children who are started onto ARV therapy have a life span that is equal to that of an HIV- child. In fact, an HIV+ child who receives ARV therapy in the US will die of a heart attack, stroke, or other "diseases of age" before they die of HIV/AIDS. A child who is HIV+ is not likely to advance to AIDS if they are receiving ARV therapy.

HIV is not likely to be spread to family members or friends. In fact, in a hospital setting, the precautions we take for HIV+ patients are no different than the precautions we take for an HIV- patient, since it kind of takes a lot to acquire HIV. Since I am not sharing needles or having sex with my patients, I can't get HIV from them. It's that simple. The HIV virus is very unstable and cannot live on surfaces, so things like sharing a bathroom or sharing linens does not increase your risk of contracting HIV.

Certainly, adopting and parenting an HIV+ child has it's risks, and it is not for everyone. But I think that there is still this unfair stigma surrounding HIV. You and your husband probably interact with HIV+ people in your daily lives and you don't even know, because HIV is not a "killer" in the US the way it is in developing nations. It is a serious disease, but in the US, it is a manageable chronic condition just like high blood pressure or diabetes. And we know that people are more likely to die from high blood pressure and diabetes than from HIV in the US because of the wonderful medications we have available to us.

FAQ

Q: Was adoption your "Plan A"?

A: Well, since you asked...
You probably saw this one coming. It seems that it is a right of passage for adoptive parents to write the "Plan A" post. You know, the post where they explain that adoption wasn't a fallback plan, wasn't a second choice, wasn't a compromise. The post where they explain how very much in love with adoption they are... not just in love with their child, but with the choice to adopt.

For most adoptive couples, this is a fairly straightforward post. Often, the post will include an explanation that adopted kids are just as much "our own" as biological kids. The "ownership" of children is a frequently-addressed topic, and parents explain how very much this child will be "theirs" despite the lack of a biological connection. It sometimes includes a reference to the very intrusive questions that well-meaning but ignorant people sometimes ask, especially those questions about the boy parts and girl bits that are involved in making a baby, and the potential for exploring fertility treatment. This is understandable, as reproduction is the more traditional way of expanding a family, and many of the non-adoptive circle are just plain curious why that route would not be pursued, or at least perused.

Almost every "Plan A" leaves me nodding along in agreement, and a few even leave me with a tear glistening in my eyes. They speak to the great truth that all people are equal and worthy of love. They speak to the call we have to love- the charge to look after orphans. They speak to the choice involved in love- a choice to love a child just as you choose to love your spouse. They are life-affirming and love-affirming. They are the posts that touch your heart and change the way you think.

I can't write that post.

Why? Well, primarily because at this point, reproduction is not really a valid form of expanding my family. I mean, yes, I assume that if I wanted to become pregnant, I could. I had some complications at the end of Abigail's pregnancy, and I've had some concerning health issues since then, but with modern healthcare, there is no reason to believe I couldn't conceive and carry a child. I probably could. At least, all my doctors think so.

But, being single, while it is technically possible, it is not really probable. I am already not enjoying trying to share the parenting responsibilities of my daughter with a man that is not my spouse, and I really don't want to go down that road again. If I were to re-marry, I would consider bearing a child from my womb (although, the appeal of that option is limited) but until I an married, why would I want to invite another person into my life in such an intimate way?

So, when it comes to adoption, it would be wrong to say that it was or became my "Plan A." That implies that there is a feasible "Plan B." In my situation, I wouldn't say that there is a feasible "Plan B." There is just "The Plan." Adoption. At the same time, indicating that adoption is "The Plan" simply for lack of an alternate plan is an unfair representation of my feelings towards adoption.

Q: So, what are your feelings towards adoption?

A: How much time do you have?

My feelings towards adoption are complex and evolving. When I first started out on the adoption journey, I found myself frustrated when I reached the point where things were "out of my hands." With pregnancy, there is always something I could do- go to doctors appointments, eat right, exercise, read to my bump... With adoption, there's a lot of doing nothing except waiting. I found this frustrating at first, until I realized that adoption really took the focus off me and my abilities and put the focus onto God and His sovereign nature- His perfect plan and His ability to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

At the same time, I've been able to appreciate a lot of things about adoption from the very beginning. Pregnancy was very hard on me physically, and after I gave birth, I suffered a very intense post-partum depression. From the very beginning of the adoption journey, I have appreciated that I haven't felt tired, excessively emotional, or been puking non-stop the way I did when I was pregnant. I appreciate that growing my family through adoption does not put me at risk for post-partum depression. And I appreciate the way that adoption allows Abigail to be just as involved in the process of growing our family as I am!

I love the idea of adoption, even though there are times when the actual process of adoption is not my favorite. I love that adoption is a beautiful picture of our relationship with God: He loved us before we were even born, just like I love my daughter now, before she is known to me; He adopted us to Himself, to be His children and to share equal access to Him, just like I am adopting my daughter and she will be equal in my love and affection as Abigail. It's beautiful.

I could go on, but I won't (if you've read this far, kudos!) Allow me to sum up the point of this post: Adoption is a beautiful picture of God's love for us, and it is the method of growing my family to which God has called me at this time. This doesn't just make it my "Plan A"- it makes it something more and better than my plans- it makes it God's Plan. And that makes it just right.

FAQ

Q: What can I do to help?

A: When people ask this question, I assume they mean "what can I do to help right now? What donations do you need? What are your immediate practical needs?"

I have outlined some of the ways you can help in the Pray, Support, and Give areas.

I am also collecting donations for the orphanage.

Practical needs include:
~Boys and girls new or gently used clothing size 0-8, including underwear, socks, jackets, and pajamas.
~Children’s shoes of all sizes.
~Crayons and art supplies (stickers, scissors, glue, glitter, coloring books, etc.)
~Blankets and bibs
~Huggies Diapers size 1-2 and Huggies Natural Care wipes
~Nestle Good Start Supreme DHA/AHA powder
~A&D Original Ointment

Additionally, I will be collecting small gifts to give to the orphans:
~Inflatable balls (they especially love soccer balls!) and bouncy balls (Deflated balls for travel. A hand pump to re-inflate the balls will be needed as well.)
~Balloons and stickers
~Costume jewelry, face paints
~Individually wrapped candy and granola bars

In terms of more permanent help and aid...

Would you consider adopting?
Would you consider adopting an older child or an HIV+ child?
Would you consider sponsoring a child (See the Support page.)
Would you consider hosting a child or sibling group through the Bright Futures Camp?
Would you consider supporting Gladney's Ethiopian Humanitarian Aid Programs?

Would you consider asking the Lord what HE wants you to do? I promise, whatever He puts you up to will be just the thing that's needed!

FAQ

Q: Is it safe to travel in Ethiopia? Aren't you worried about taking Abigail?

A: Here is info provided by my agency in their travel packet for families who will be traveling to Ethiopia:

In a short answer, yes it is very safe! Every so often, there are reports concerning conflicts and skirmishes particularly along the border. You might also hear the jihadists are declaring a “holy war” between the Somali Muslims and the Ethiopian Christians. Remember that Ethiopia is about twice the size of Texas and most incidents in the past are taking place in the outer districts (near the border) and are being provoked by non Ethiopian citizens. Also, remember that our media is in the business of sensationalizing events in order to whet the appetite of the American public.

Gladney has American staff currently living in Ethiopia and sends others from the U.S. several times a year. We would not be doing so if we knew it to be a danger. Also, the State Department has a website to inform interested parties of situations occurring in Ethiopia. You may monitor the State Department site at http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/tw/tw_1764.html . You will be accompanied in your daily outings by either one of the Gladney staff or a trusted English speaking driver in whom Gladney has confidence.


So, basically, my agency says it's safe, the government says it's safe, previous travelers have not had any safety concerns, and I will be with a very protective group of people going to very safe places. No, I'm not worried about our safety, and I hope you aren't, either!

FAQ

Q: Do you think you'll really love her?

A: No.

I don't think I will love her, I know I love her right now.

I'll be honest with you, I don't believe in "love at first sight." I am not the kind of person who can fall in love with a picture. I believe that love is so much more than the limited experiences we have with our eyes, so "seeing" someone is not enough to make me "love" them.

The truth is, I used to worry that I wouldn't love Abigail. I mean, I never worried while I was pregnant that I wouldn't love her when she was born, but once she was born, I used to worry that I wouldn't love her as much when she got older. That was totally screwed up, because it turns out that once your little one starts developing a personality and sense of "self"- there's even more to love! It's fabulous (and one of the reasons I am hoping for a toddler age 14-18 months at time of referral.) My experience with Abigail has been that the older she gets, the more I love her.

Right now, I love my child. When I see her and hold her and hear her call me "Momma" I am sure my heart will burst with the amount of love I have for her. And every day I wake up, I will love her more. (There may be times I don't like her, but I will always love her.)

Q: Do you think you will love her as much as Abigail?

A: Yes and no.

I think the quantity of my love will be the same, but the quality will be different. Because Abigail and the new child will be different.

It's like my brother and my sister- I love them equally much, but differently. Because my relationship is different with each of them. We relate in different ways.

I anticipate that my new child will be very different than Abigail. There will be different things to love about her. We will share a different past than Abigail and I share. But I will always love her as my daughter, just like I love Abigail.

Q: Do you get offended when people ask "ignorant" questions like the ones above?

A: I try not to. The truth is, for many people, adoption is a new thing. When they "gut react" to my news, they are going with the first thing that pops into their head. If they stopped and thought for a few minutes or days, would they end up asking these questions? Probably not. But they can't help their gut reaction.

I think all of us fear rejection on some level, and the "can you/will you love her?" questions are an expression of the individuals gut instinct to fear rejection. I hope that I am patient, honest, and kind in my replies.

I know many people who have never seriously considered adoption or explored their own feelings about adoption may never really understand the way I think and feel about adoption. That's okay. But I hope that my adoption process gives them a reason to think about adoption, and that in the end, their attitude towards adoption will be positive. I am not saying that I think everyone should adopt, because it's not for everyone. Kids aren't for everyone! That's okay. But I hope that in seeing the love I have for this child, they will be supportive of the institution of adoption. Attitude, perhaps even more than practice, influences how people talk/think/express about adoption. And I want a lot of positive talk/think/express happening around my kid!

FAQ

Q: How much longer?

A: I don't know.

To be honest, once I submit my papers to the Ethiopian government, pretty much everything is out of my hands. I can guess the approximate time for my referral (3 months from the time of my dossier submission) but after that, everything depends on court dates. And embassy/visa appointments (these determine travel dates.)

So, sorry kids. It could be as soon as April (being optimistic) or well into June.

FAQ

Q: Is that her?

A: No. It's just a picture I found when I Googled "Ethiopian orphan."

When I do get a picture of my child-to-be, believe me, I will post it! But that won't happen until I get my referral, so probably not for a while:)

FAQ

Q: Will she have AIDS?

A: I was quite surprised when I learned that many people were concerned that the new little one would have HIV/AIDS. While this is a horrible disease, and occurs frequently throughout Africa, not all orphaned children are HIV+.

Just to remind you, it is actually fairly difficult to pass HIV. The virus is very unstable and does not "live" on environmental surfaces. In fact, blood-to-blood contact is one of the few ways HIV is spread (transfusion, sharing needles.) Other ways include penile-vaginal, penile-oral, or penile-rectal contact without a condom, childbirth (not during pregnancy- the virus does not cross the placenta), and breastfeeding. You cannot get HIV from sharing a bathroom, sharing linens, eating off the same dishes, kissing or changing diapers of those infected with HIV. In fact, people without HIV are more likely to infect people with HIV with colds, flu, and other infections than those with HIV are to infect others with HIV.

That being said, all children coming into orphanages are give a "rapid" HIV test and a PCR (more accurate) test upon admission to the orphanage. For those children who are relinquished (given up by parents) a parental history is obtained if possible. (Obviously, abandoned children are not able to have a parental history.) When filling out the Gladney application, I was given the option of having a second HIV PCR test performed before accepting the referral. All children are given another "rapid" test before being issued a passport.

I have chosen to have the second PCR test performed prior to accepting a referral. This is NOT because I am opposed to caring for a child with HIV or out of fear for myself or Abigail, but rather out of the fact that people who "die from AIDS" actually die from other diseases and infections that take over the person's body. I don't think, being a single mom, that I could devote the time and resources necessary to care for an HIV+ child. I am very thankful for those who do choose to adopt HIV+ children. Many of these children do quite well once they get the anti-retro viral (ARV) drugs that we have here in the US. In fact, many of these children do so well and have such a positive response from their white blood cells that they never progress to AIDS. (The distinction between HIV and AIDS is based on the number of certain types of white blood cells present.) Many of the HIV+ women who take these drugs can give birth to an HIV- child. Unfortunately, these drugs are not available in Africa (at least, not to the masses) due to the high costs.

FAQ

Q: Do you have a name picked out?

A: Yes.

Q: What is it?

A: I'm not telling.

Q: Why not?

A: I had the unfortunate experience of telling people Abigail's intended name when I was pregnant and having a less than kind response. ("Are you kidding! I knew a girl/babysat a girl/had a cousin who was named Abigail and she was a brat! I hate that name!")

Q: Can you give us a hint?

A: Okay. While I named Abigail with the intention of never using a nickname, I am fully intending to call the new child by her nickname... an abbreviated form of the name.

FAQ

Q: What are you having (requesting? getting? picking?)

A: I am going to request a girl (what on earth would I do with a boy?) I really don't feel a need or desire to have an infant in the house (or to lose all that sleep), and I really like toddlers better, so the youngest I would be interested in would be age 8 or 9 months at the time of referral. I would take up to age 3. My "ideal" would be 12-14 months at referral.

However, this is not necessarily what my home study will designate me as eligible for... and it may not be what God has in mind. So, this is just my idea.

FAQ

Q: Why adopt now?

A: Because it is the right time. How do I know it's the right time? I just do. (Didn't anyone tell you that moms know everything?)

I know some people can't believe I am ready to take on the "trouble" of a second child... they question how I will afford it, how I will do it without my family around, how I can possibly have the time for another little one. And sometimes I wonder those questions, too. But if families waited until they had the finances, time, and resources for a second child, everyone would be an only child! It is the right time to bring another child into our family, and Abigail and I are excited. I hope to adopt a toddler, and if I wait much longer, Abigail and the little one would be so far apart in age that they wouldn't be close- at least not in the way I hope they will be.

FAQ

Q: Why Ethiopia?

A: There are many reasons why I chose Ethiopia and I will share them with you, but the main reason is that I just knew that's where my child is.

When I initially began to seriously consider adopting I knew I wanted to go international. This was a "given" for me, based on the fact that even as orphans or foster kids in the USA, these children will have food, clothes, and education. As a matter of fact, most of them will even get a college education- free! It doesn't make up for not having a family, but at least they have a chance- a hope. So I knew I was going to look outside the US.

One of the first things I did was research from which countries I was even eligible to adopt... At the time, I was only 24, so the list of countries was quite small (especially with the closing of Guatemalan programs.) Adding to the list of detractors is the fact that I am single. Even fewer countries allow single-parent adoption (China closed their single-parent program.) Some countries have income requirements, others don't allow you to adopt if you already have a child... you get the picture. Anyway, once I turned 25, more countries opened up, including Ethiopia which allows single women age 25+ to adopt (this may be changing... please be in prayer!)

From the moment I considered Ethiopia, I just had peace. And as I educated myself about the country, my feeling that it was "right" increased. One thing that has really touched my heart is the HIV/AIDS epidemic in sub-Saharan Africa. What an amazing opportunity this will create as my child connects with Ethiopia through service work- and the opportunity for me to serve in a medical capacity for people who so desperately need medical help! Additionally, education also revealed other medical problems:

1 in 10 children die before their first birthday
1 in 6 children die before their fifth birthday
More than half of the children in Ethiopia are stunted due to malnutrition
There is only 1 doctor in Ethiopia for every 24,ooo children

These people need help... these children need help! And I can give it to the! Not just through adopting, but through serving in an ongoing capacity.

Education also revealed the shocking human rights situation in Ethiopia. I won't get into it all, but how about this: 1 in 23 women in Ethiopia will be circumcised. Can you imagine?

So, all of this led me to Ethiopia, but mostly it was just the feeling that I don't think I can describe other than to say: I just knew that's where my child was.