Post-Adoption Guilt

Wow. This is another post that I am cautious in writing, because it is possibly going to ruffle some feathers. As always, I am writing with a spirit of honesty about my own struggles, not judging others.

Have any of you ever experienced guilt after giving birth to a child after completing an adoption? I don't know if I am explaining it right... Basically, I sometimes feel guilty for giving birth to another child, when I know there are so many children in the world (Ethiopia) that need families and who I would be more than willing to adopt. Don't misunderstand me; I know that John Andrew is the right child for our family right now, and moreover, I feel incredibly blessed to have been able to have a healthy and safe pregnancy and to have shared this experience with John and the girls. I love him immensely, and I cannot imagine a better baby.

But it doesn't take away from the feeling that we could have... or should have... adopted. (Although, since we just had our first wedding anniversary on the 26th of December, we actually couldn't have adopted since we didn't meet the 2 year marriage criteria, but I digress...)

I know that partially, these feelings stem from wanting to adopt again. I am not saying we are going to adopt again, but I would love to adopt again. It just may not be the right thing for our family. In that setting, still having a heart for orphans- especially those who are unadoptable- I am still trying to figure out my role in orphan care. As my husband's cousin said at our Christmas gathering... we are all called to care for orphans, so it's not a matter of if we are going to care for them, but rather how we are going to care for them. Adoption is a small piece of the how. But true orphan care is so much bigger than adoption. And I'm just not sure how I fit into that bigger picture of orphan care. I know my work with orphans isn't completed; adoption was not the end point for me- it was the beginning of a passionate love affair, to be honest.

I think part of the guilt is also related to the incredible expense of my pregnancy and birth, especially because of the complications/risks. That money (which, thankfully, was paid by insurance) would have been more than enough to complete an adoption (or 2- maybe 3.)

Another part may be that, truth be told, I didn't and still don't love the process of adoption... the paper chasing, the waiting, the uncertainty, the fears, the unknowns, the unpredictable nature of international adoption. In contrast, I loved being pregnant (except the heartburn.) I guess maybe I feel like knowing and expressing my joy in the pregnancy process somehow makes the adoption process seem less... fulfilling? or desirable? Which is silly, because while I am not sure I would want to be pregnant again, I would more than love to adopt again! I know this about myself- and I know that I don't view either adoption or pregnancy as "better" than the other, but I think the preference within myself leads to part of the guilt.

What do you think? Have you experienced this? Am I just crazy and hormonal?

Introducing...

John Andrew Wesley Showalter

Sunday, October 17, 2010

6:53pm

7 pounds 10 ounces

18.5 inches

We call him John Andrew or Andrew.

He is a fantastic baby, and we are all doing well:) I was able to have a natural labor and am feeling pretty good, all things considered! Not quite up to blogging much, especially since my computer is not working properly. More pictures coming soon (or as soon as my computer starts working!)

38 Week Bumpdate

I am still pregnant.

Still.

At my OB visit on Thursday, I had lost about a pound. At least I am not gaining, right? The baby was measuring perfectly, with a heart rate in the 150s, so there are no concerns. If I haven't had the baby by next week (39 weeks) they will do an internal exam to see if things are progressing yet. Hmmmm.

I had the girls with me at the OB. They said they had questions for the doctor... Abigail asked when the baby will finally come out (don't we wish we knew?) and Anna asked why the baby is giving me heartburn. I'm not sure if this was because I have been complaining of heartburn a lot, or if it was somehow related to Abigail talking about the fetal Doppler (the machine to measure the heart rate) and the "heart rate" which Anna took to mean "heart burn." At any rate, the doctors didn't answer either question with any conviction:)

I am feeling good- except for the whole waddling, swollen feet thing. Actually, my left foot is very tender, and John is wondering if I possibly broke some toes. I decided to just grin and bear it, because really, what is the treatment for broken toes? Um, an x-ray to diagnose the problem (which I am not going to get right now, anyway) and at most a non-weight-bearing boot (which I am not going to wear in labor anyway) so what's the point? So, other than my toes, I am feeling good.

The kitchen saga is mostly done... but not all the way. We are still missing a cabinet that is on indefinite back order. So yesterday they came out and installed everything else and a temporary "filler" cabinet so that I could at least get things put away and clear off the kitchen table. I am working on that today, and as soon as John moves the borrowed microwave out to my car, I will be able to finish clearing off the kitchen table. Tomorrow we can sit at the table for meals. This will definitely be a step in the right direction. Then a few more boxes moved to the basement, and I think we will be in pretty good shape.... except that my Shark has stopped working and I really need to get down and scrub my floors (which is sooooo not happening!)

I have my last few shifts scheduled for work next week... a total of 12 hours (three 4-hour shifts.) John has finished his mid-terms/final and is working tonight and tomorrow night, followed by a full day of work on Monday (with just a few hours of nap on Monday morning) and his birthday dinner Monday evening. Then he plans to recover from his sleepless weekend on Monday night and catch up on some work on Tuesday, and we will also get our first delivery of cloth diapers... so really, Wednesday is the idea time for me to have the baby (10/20/10). Maybe it will happen, right?

37 Week Bumpdate

Is it just me, or has my belly not changed that much in the past 2 weeks? I feel like I get bigger every day, but when I look at the pictures, this belly is not any bigger than my 35 or 36 week bump.

Guess how much weight I gained in the last week? Remember, I gained four pounds from week 35 to week 36....

So, just guess...

Okay, you are not going to guess right, so I will just tell you. I lost half a pound. (My friend says when you start losing weight, it means the baby will come soon...???)

Anyway, I celebrated that by eating half a box of mini Oreos and going out for dinner last night that included cheese fondue, 3 layer chocolate cake, and lots and lots of homemade rolls. So much for keeping up the no-gain/a little loss trend, eh?

Other than that, I have been feeling pretty well. Heartburn, of course, but even that has improved since I went to the chiropractor twice this week (I was so out of whack.) My feet are still swollen, although my compression socks do help. When I wear them. They also have been giving me a rash, so it's been a toss up between the swollen feet and the itchy legs. Sometimes you just can't win. I do have this funky toe pain in my left foot, middle 3 toes. John says he thinks it is from the swelling putting pressure on the joints. Go away, swelling!

I have made virtually no progress on my to-do list for the baby, although I have made a small amount of progress in just getting the house put back together/recovering from having the kitchen fixed (since the contractors still don't have my cabinets installed, we are not getting terribly far...) The bag is packed, though, so we are all good:) It's strange to think that this was the milestone that marked Abigail's entrance into the world... and yet, it could still be a few weeks before the Nugget arrives.

I've seen a few tiny babies recently (at stores, ballet class, etc), and I am feeling kind of overwhelmed about the fact that we will have a tiny baby home with us very soon. I know they don't stay tiny for long, and I am pretty sure that caring for a newborn is a lot like riding a bike- it just comes back to you- but I still am feeling a bit unprepared and... not scared, exactly... more like nervous.

It's interesting. A few weeks ago, someone was mentioning that I would soon be giving birth, and they asked me if I was scared (of labor.) I'm not. Nervous, anxious, and excited- yes. Scared? Not a bit. But at the same time, people always ask if I am excited about the baby. The baby seems to me to be a much more appropriate topic to ask if I am nervous about, not labor! Am I totally backwards? Labor just seems so straightforward. I mean, you have contractions, water breaks, you push, and it's over. Done. It's the whole baby thing that is totally unpredictable:)

Anywho... Do you want to play a game?

We have been keeping the baby's name secret. Want to try to guess it? I will give you a hint: both the girl name and boy name we have chosen start with an "A." Would love to hear your guesses:)

36 Week Bumpdate

I have gained 54 pounds in this pregnancy. I try not to think about that. And I really try not to think about loosing that.

At my check-up on Thursday, everything went well. Baby sounded good, I measured perfectly, and they did the Group B Strep test... I thought this was an internal swab (like a Pap), and would therefore give them the opportunity to check out my cervix, but it's just an external swab. They offered to take a peek at things for me, but really, who wants an internal exam if they don't have to have one? I declined. So I have no clue what my cervix is doing. I'm okay with that. Even if it was doing something, it really has no bearing on when I will go into labor or if my cervix would continue to dilate "normally," so really, what's the point in finding out?

I have been having horrible heartburn, though. And a few times I have had this overwhelming sense of "I am going to vomit RIGHT NOW" come over me out of nowhere (thankfully, there is not been any actual vomiting.) So I am not sure what is going on, but that is not fun.

I also have swollen feet and toes that look like sausages. It started on Friday when I had to drive my mother-in-law's minivan down to Philly. I was so scrunched up in the driver's seat that my knees were literally hitting my belly when I moved my foot between the gas and the brake. 5 hours in that cramped position was enough to give me pitting edema in my feet. I kept them elevated during the evening as much as I could, and by this morning, the swelling had gone down significantly (but not entirely gone.) Then I spent the day running errands in the minivan (John had my car, and his mom had his car...), playing with the kids, cooking, cleaning, and driving 40 minutes to Abigail's cheerleading... well, puffy feet are back with a vengeance. Trying to elevate again, but it's just not working. I think I will buy some more compression socks to help with that. Thankfully, I really haven't had much swelling otherwise. But I do need to get it to go away before I head to work for 3 days in a a row next week... if my feet stay this big, I am not sure I will be able to get my sneakers on!

I am down to my last few baby-related errands... need to get the car seat base installed in my car and the MIL's minivan, finish packing Abigail's hospital stuff and snacks/vending machine money for John in the hospital bag, add the Viacord kit to the hospital bag, and just generally get my house cleaned up. That last one would be a lot easier if the contents of my kitchen were not spewed across my living room and play room while the contractors (finally) fix the flooring, cabinets, appliances, and paint from our minor kitchen fire back in August (yeah, I could have predicted that it would take nearly 2 months to fix...) Then it's just a matter of waiting until after the 20th.

17 days to go to my ideal delivery date! 28 to go to my due date! Yea!

35 Week Bumpdate

35 weeks. 5 more to go, maximum. Only 3.5 weeks to my goal of 10/20/10 (how fun would it be to have the birthday 10/20/2010?) The end is in sight.

We had a little scare earlier this week... on Tuesday morning I went in to L&D to get checked out. I wasn't feeling the baby move very much, and my fundal height was measuring small (much smaller than it had been at my doctor's visit.) These were the same issues that led to the emergency induction at 37 weeks with Abigail. We still don't know for sure what caused the issues in my pregnancy with Abigail, so I am a very aware and vigilant to monitor for those same issues this time around. If we don't know what caused it, we don't know that we have "fixed" or prevented it in this pregnancy, you know?

Anyway, things checked out great: I had a non-stress test for the baby, and Nugget had appropriate heart rates the whole time. I started feeling more fetal movement, and a quick ultrasound showed an appropriate level of amniotic fluid as well as showing that the baby was head down! It was really reassuring.

Not so reassuring was the weight on the scale at my routine OB visit on Thursday... I am half a pound short of the 50 pound mark. Sadness. Especially since it is all in my butt and thighs. :(

I will be going to the OB weekly now until the baby comes. Next week is the vaginal check (maybe I am dilating?) and the group B strep test. Bliss.

In non-medical news, I started packing my hospital bag today. What did you pack that was a life-saver? What was a waste of time/space? Did you pack anything special for dad or older siblings?

I have my stuff pretty well figured out... I am mostly packing sweats for after the delivery, since they are so forgiving. I read today that when you leave the hospital, you are about the same size you were at the 5-6 month mark. Here I was at the 21 and 24 week mark...

If I leave the hospital looking like that, I will consider it pretty darn good:) John and I were talking about how I should do "deflation" pictures... a picture each week of how my belly is shrinking and returning to normal. Which would probably be a good motivator, but perhaps a bit embarrasing? But who am I kidding- you all (few) who read this blog know all my crazy/embarassing stuff anyway:)

The girls at work were commenting that they thought I had "dropped"... as one of them said "you actually can tell the difference between the boob bump and the belly bump now!" I guess I no longer have the uniboobelly? I don't feel like I have "dropped" at all (especially right now, when it feels like Nugget is using a vice to separate my rib cage.) But maybe with the baby head down, I am carrying a little differently. What do you think?

Bumpdate 34 Weeks

So, there it is. My 34 week belly. (For better shots of the belly, go here. And then go here to book a session!) I feel huge. All the time. And while I feel like I am waddling, John says that what I am really doing is just leaning back constantly while I walk, trying to create some backwards momentum to prevent myself from falling forward from the weight of my belly.

I guess from here on out, they probably wouldn't stop labor if I were to go into labor, but after looking at my schedule, John's schedule, and our parents' schedule, we've decided the optimal date for the baby to be born is October 20. In fact, we need the baby to NOT be born before the 19th, because John's schedule is just insane until then. So, while last week I was saying "Oh, I have 3-7 weeks to go!", this week I don't get to say "2-6 weeks." :( I am saying "anytime after October 20."  Which, as of today, is 4 weeks and 2 days away. Gagh! But, I still could have 6 weeks to go. Boo!

I am having lots of low pelvis pressure, but I don't think the baby has "dropped" yet... I still feel the Nugget up in my ribs and need some sort of brace to hold my ribs together since it feels like the baby is trying to spread my ribcage apart. Other than that, I feel pretty good. Can't bend over comfortably, but that's to be expected. I am tired, but still have the energy to get stuff done, so I guess I am doing well! Once we get the car seat/ stroller assembled, we should be good to go.

I am starting to pack my hospital bag... anything I should make sure to take along?

Bumpdate 33 Weeks

I don't really feel like my belly has gotten any larger than last week, but I can see all my blood vessels more this week, as if the skin is being stretched further, so maybe.

On Thursday, we had our check up; everything continues to look good, measuring right on track:) We'll see the doctor again in 2 weeks, and then weekly until I pop. And I do kind of feel like it will be a "pop" rather than anything else. I kind of look like I have a balloon shoved in the front of my shirt since I am carrying all in front. My mother in law and husband continue to comment that I don't look pregnant from behind, except for the part where I am waddling:)

We got the crib set up yesterday, and this morning I finished setting up the "nursery." Since the Nugget will be hanging out in the guest room until we know if/when we are moving, there wasn't a lot of set-up to do. But the bedding is in, clothes are washed and put away, and the rocking chair has a new cushion on it. I am getting a few last things washed and put together, and then I won't have much to do in there until we get our first cloth diaper delivery in a few weeks.

I feel pretty good; the heartburn has been manageable, and I am sleeping very soundly, except for when I have to wake up and go to the bathroom. 4 times a night. Joy. Or when I have really strangely realistic dreams... like the other night when I dreamed that my water broke, and I got down on my hands and knees to clean up the mess while John stood there and laughed. Even in my dream I remember thinking that it was a typical doctor/nurse situation.

Maybe now that I have a working laptop again, I can get caught up on some of my blogging that I have been intending to do. Maybe not. We really could realistically have a baby in just 3 weeks!

Bumpdate- 32 Weeks

So, guess what? It really sucks to have strep throat! Thank God that penicillin is safe in pregnancy! Also, did you know when you are pregnant, you are in a hyper-immune state, so your mild, never-actually-diagnosed allergies can turn into raging-holy-bologna-who-knew-I-could-produce-that-much-nasal-discharge allergies wherein you are convinced you might actually lose the ability to breath if you lay down and your nose drips like a leaky faucet while still being crazy-congested? Thank God Zyrtec is safe in pregnancy! 

That pretty much sums up my week. Oh, except for the part where I fell really hard on Sunday and now my whole body hurts. All the time. (Thank God Tylenol is safe in pregnancy!)

We see the doctor on Thursday, and will be taking our finalized birth plan (and FMLA paperwork, assuming I don't forget again!) to be placed in our chart. We will also take our birth plan with s to the delivery, since outpatient and inpatient charts don't mix at my institution.

Hey, guess what else? Did I ever mention that there is a 90-95% epidural rate at my hospital? Yeah, I can't stop thinking about that. And the 5-10% who don't get epidurals are either the really high risk/emergency peeps who are done under general anesthesia or few who walk in with the baby practically falling out (at least in my limited experiences of working the post-partum side of things.) That has nothing to do with my 32nd week, but I just wanted to put that out there.

I need to sleep. Preferably while breathing at the same time. Grrrrr.

Bumpdate: 31 Weeks

I continue to be amazed that I feel as well as I do... honestly, this seems to be a much easier part of my pregnancy than the first and second trimesters. I know part of it is that my stress level with regard to viability and such has decreased tremendously, and continues to decrease with each passing day. I think another part of it is that the chest pain and shortness of breath have totally gone away... John and I were talking about this, and we think that maybe the original high-risk OB that we saw had it right: my heart just needed extra time to adjust to the physical changes that were happening in my body. This idea is reinforced by the fact that the swelling in my feet/ankles has gone away, too.

Anna and Abigail are getting more and more excited about the baby coming... Abigail loves telling all her friends about her soon-to-be sibling, and Anna genuinely seems to want the baby to come, asking daily if the baby can come yet. I figure if I go another 5 weeks, I am golden:) I really can't fathom making it to 40 weeks, but I guess stranger things have happened. Maybe because of all the anxiety I had about the baby coming too soon, I will end up going past my due date. Let me just go on the record as saying that if I am still pregnant in November, I will cry. And also probably participate in every known home-remedy for inducing labor:)  Just kidding- I believe the baby will come out when he or she is good and ready, although I'm sure the hubs wouldn't mind if we tried certain methods... ;)

It's hard to imagine that we don't see the OB for another 2 weeks (at the 33 week mark, more or less). This is the longest stretch we have gone without seeing the doc since very early on in the pregnancy. It is kind of nice to have a break, especially since I know they will probably be a little more invasive at the next check up. It also gives us some time to work on our plans for birth control after the baby comes (very difficult to figure out when you can't take hormones, you're allergic to latex, and your anatomy won't cooperate with a diaphragm!), our finalized (ie- shortened) birth plan, and what we want to do about circumcision if we have a boy (one of us is for it, the other is not.)

Thanks for sharing.

Apparently, Abigail has been sharing her new-found knowledge about labor and birth.

At the dentist today, Anna asked if this doctor will help get the baby out. That was cute.

Thankfully, she waited until we were home to inform me that "first the baby comes out the 'gina, then the Daddy cuts the cord" (with accompanying "snip" motion with her fingers.)

Bumpdates 29 and 30 weeks

29 week belly

Jai, the young man my mom is friends with, recently asked for a belly photo with my face in it... he only sees the photos I email to my mom, and he said he had never seen my face! So, this is my best shot at a self-portrait of my belly with my face showing via iPhone technology. This is surprisingly more difficult than it seems, especially when you add in the fact that I stand on my tip toes to get these shots. I don't look very happy. Don't think I need to explain why:)

We had our 30 week visit on Thursday. Everything continues to look great, and we are hoping right along with the weight gain. I have now gained a total of 37 pounds during this pregnancy. The doctor is not terribly concerned... my diabetes screen is negative, my blood pressure is perfect, and even the swelling I was having earlier in my pregnancy has pretty much gone away. I am eating well, my lab work all looks great, and I feel good- much better than I did earlier in my pregnancy. Plus, I was up 48 pounds the day that they induced my labor with Abigail (at 37 weeks), but I was back in my non-pregnancy jeans when Abigail was 18 days old, and was 10 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight by my 6 week follow-up visit... all without dieting or exercising! Hopefully things will go that well this time, although the extra 8 years of age may make that a little more difficult. The doctor thinks that maybe I am just one of those people who gains a lot of weight with pregnancy (the "goal" weight gain for a woman of normal weight is 25-35 lbs.) My mom definitely gained a lot of weight during her pregnancies- maybe it's genetic:)

I've started writing our birth plan. Initially, I didn't think that I would write a birth plan, knowing that the running joke in the OB department is "birth plan= c-section." But the more I thought about it, the more I decided I needed one, because there was no telling who would be on-service when I went into the hospital. It could quite possibly be a person we have never met (one of the risks of delivering at an academic medical center.) Plus, I don't want to have to think about telling anyone what I want when I am in labor, or explaining who our doula is or why Abigail is there. I want to be able to just focus on doing the work I need to do. So a birth plan seems to be the best way to communicate that.

So far, a few of the highlights of our birth plan include:

1. Since we don't know the gender of our baby, we do not want the doctor/nurse to announce the gender at the time of birth. John and Abigail will be the first people to check the gender and make the announcement. Abigail is pretty excited about this:)

2. The exact phrasing regarding repair of any tear/episiotomy is "If it is necessary to provide stitches to repair a tear, please provide local anesthesia. Lots of it." It is in bold, just like that:)

3. John and Abigail will also cut the cord together.

4. Abigail has requested that she be able to help with the baby's first bath and diapering the baby. Since this will be in our birth plan, it will be much more likely to happen:)

A lot of the other stuff is standard, run-of-the-mill natural childbirth language, which we are trying to edit down since I tend to be a bit verbose and have written this without a template. One other thing that we did was use the birth plan to "introduce" who will be present at the birth (me, John, Abigail, our doula- Heather, and John's mom, Elaine.) This will save us time, and also hopefully make the care team more comfortable with the inclusion of Abigail during labor/delivery. I made sure to put in the birth plan that we have talked frankly with Abigail and shown her graphic birth videos, as well as taught her medically/anatomically correct language so that they know how to talk to her if she were to ask a question. I mean, not all 7.5 year olds know that a baby is born with it's own special lotion on it's skin called vernix. Or that the baby has to open the cervix then come out the vagina to be born. But Abigail does!

30 weeks, 2 days belly

Now that our niece has moved out of our guest room, we are ready to get the nursery ready. The nursery will still be our guest room as well, so we are not decorating or going wild with a theme. But, we do need to get the crib put up and get a diaper station set up. My mother-in-law, Elaine, threw a surprise baby shower for me this past Saturday at the nursing home where she and I work (Thanks again, Elaine!!!!), and with the lovely gifts we've received, along with items our family has given us and a few things we have purchased, I think we are pretty much set for a newborn. I am looking forward to getting all the little blankies and burp cloths and sockies washed, folded and put away in the dresser:)

Bump Check- 28.5 Weeks

I forgot to take a picture on Saturday of my week 28 belly. So here a photo from Wednesday:

Apparently, a prego woman in a bathing suit is somewhat of a novelty at our local pool, because all of Abigail's little friends were amazed, and I certainly got a few looks from the other adults, too. Oh well- I was too hot to care!

Of course, it didn't help that Abigail kept bringing her friends over and saying "Momma, stand up and show them how big your belly is! It's big because she has our baby in there!" And then all the other little girls were like "wow, your belly is huge!!!!!" And then they would stick out their (disgustingly flat) bellies and walk around saying "look, I have a baby in my belly, too!"

A friend of my mom's asked why you never see my face in these pictures. It's partially because I am not feeling particularly pretty, and partially because I usually try to take the picture as soon as I wake up in the morning, so that I don't forget to do it. My hair is wild and I still have red marks on the side of my face from the pillow. You really aren't missing anything. This particular photo was carefully framed by my loving husband to avoid showing my mascara running down my face and dripping hair, while also protecting the eyes of you, my gentle readers, from the cellulite that has taken up residence in my thighs.

You're welcome.

In other pregnancy news: we had a check up last week, and HOORAY! The doctor gave me permission to take Zantac for my heartburn. What a difference this has made! I can lay flat at bedtime! Woohoo!

Everything else was looking good, and we are finally at that point when I am starting to feel relief... developmentally, 28 week babies do so well. But even more than that, I really feel like getting this far means that I am likely to go to term. (Although a 10/5/10, 10/10/10, or 10/20/10 baby would be fun:) I've started doing more of my "preparation" reading and tomorrow we are meeting with our Doula. John is finally at a place where he can also focus time and attention on learning to be a great coach  and we can come up with a plan for after the baby arrives that will work for our whole family (breastfeeding a newborn can be a full-time job!)

I am working on a post on my other blog about why we don't believe in attachment parenting and also responses to why we are doing a natural childbirth (Bradley Method) and how and why we are working with our pediatrician on a modified immunization schedule. I am also going to write my very opinionated view of how to be successful with breastfeeding, and why on-demand feeding (the method recommended by the La Leche League) decreases your likelihood of success. Can you feel the drama brewing?

I feel a real urgency to get serious about preparing for the job of giving birth (which is a very taxing job) and parenting a newborn. So off I go to sneak in some more reading while the girls finish their morning chores:) Regularly scheduled bump checks should resume tomorrow!

Dear Nugget

Dear Nugget,

I love you and am trying to give you all the attention you need. I feed the cravings and drink all that extra water and even take those yucky prenatal vitamins just for you. Like your Daddy, I get it that you sometimes need more attention than I am giving you, and that makes you likely to take drastic measures.

However, like your sisters have learned, kicking me so hard that it takes my breath away is not the best way to get my attention. In fact, hurting Momma is not very nice at all. You may not realize how hard you are kicking, but I am pretty sure it is hard enough to have kicked me a nice little hiatal hernia.

Would you like to work on our communication skills so that you can figure out how to best get my attention without hurting me? Because I would like to do that, too.

Love,

Momma

P.S. Feel free to kick Daddy to get his attention because; A: it totally works, and B: he thinks it's hilarious when Anna does it, so I'm guessing he will like being kicked by you, too.

Bump Check- 27 weeks

This week has been all about the heartburn. Seriously. All day, all night. I get heartburn no matter what I eat or when I eat it. I get heartburn from drinking water! Sometimes, in the rare moments that I don't have heartburn, I worry that if I eat or drink anything, it will come back- so despite being thirsty, I don't drink anything.

It always comes back, no matter what I do, though. And nothing really helps. I've tried it all.

I will not miss the heartburn one bit.

Other than that, things are going well. I did my GluCola challenge on Monday afternoon, and we will find out the results at my appointment on Thursday. I also talked to Abigail about being in the delivery room; she wants to be there. We were torn at first, worrying that it is too graphic for a child, but then it occurred to me that I think one of the main things wrong with the way young girls are taught to view childbirth and even their own sexuality is that very little of it is based in reality. In other areas of the world, it is totally natural to have your children present at the birth of their younger sibling, especially your female children. I think this helps girls learn a healthier view of childbirth and sexuality than what they learn from popular culture.

In addition, Abigail is really fearful about me being in the hospital, so much so that if we didn't have contraindications for a home birth, we would strongly consider it. I am not sure why she is scared of the hospital, but my guess is that it has something to do with the fact that John and I talk about people dying at the hospital (it's a reality of our work.) The girls go for a "big sibling orientation" at the hospital in a few weeks, which will give the kids a tour of the L&D/post-partum area and talk about what to expect when I am in labor. I am sure this will help Abigail a little bit, but mostly, I think she will feel better knowing that she can keep an eye on me.

We also have set realistic expectations for Abigail being at the hospital. We plan to bring a laptop and headphones so that she can watch movies while I am in labor. In fact, she will pack a bag, too- a "fun pack" of stuff to do, change of clothes, PJs, toothbrush, etc. We believe it's best if she is present but not necessarily "engaged" in the situation more than she is comfortable with... for instance, I don't think she needs to have the "doctor's view" of the delivery, although if she wants to, I don't care if she does (John and I call this the "natural sex deterrent.") We also have a plan so that if she decides she doesn't want to be in the room, she can leave. The idea is not to force anything. I think it will work well for Abigail- that's just the kind of kid she is. I don't think it would work well for Anna, even if she was older. That's just the kind of kid Anna is.

Recent name ideas from the girls include Hope (for either a boy or girl), and Christmas (for a boy, according to Anna.)

26 Weeks Bump Check

First, I need to clean our bathroom mirror.

Second, we hit the 26 week mark on Saturday, July 24. If I can make it another 10 weeks, I will be "term." If I can make it another 8 weeks, I will have exceeded expectations:) If I go another 6 weeks, I will be pretty satisfied that our baby will be healthy and have a relatively short NICU stay.  (If I go another 12 weeks, I will basically have to try all those home remedies for self-induction!) The idea of going to term suddenly seems much more realistic and reachable.

Depending on who you talk to, the third trimester has started, is starting, or will start at the end of this week... it really feels like an accomplishment, while at the same time bringing with it a bit of urgency to make sure I have the basics ready (ie, crib, car seat, diapers, breast pump, clothes.) The baby is going nuts and actually woke me up this morning with some ferocious karate (Ross-style.) Nugget is approximately 14" long and weighs 1.5-2 lbs. I continue to sound more and more like a bowl of Rice Krispies with all the joints loosening and popping, although since I have not been working a ton, my back is not feeling too bad. My fundal height is still right on target:)

Big plans this week include work, and the wonderful GluCola challenge/3rd trimester blood work! I plan to do that this afternoon, as long as my stomach calms down a little. That stuff totally made me want to barf when I was pregnant with Abigail. Then again, everything made me want to barf when I was pregnant with Abigail, so I guess that is not a reliable predictor.

Bumpdate- 25 weeks

On Thursday we had our 25 week doctor's visit. There's not too much to be said about that- more of the same with the whole "we can't predict what is going to happen so monitor for any changes or anything you feel is not normal."

I really hate that word: normal.

Maybe it's because I think at the core, we all have worried that we were not "normal" at some point. I mean, isn't that what junior high school, and even part of high school, and heck, maybe even a good part of your early 20s  is kind of about... that fear that maybe you aren't going to find your place in this world because you are just not normal?

Maybe I speak only for myself, but even so, the frequent reminders to call with anything that doesn't seem "normal" has me so on edge. Because I am not sure if I know what normal is... or if I even know what "normal for me" is. It's just so freaking subjective!

Anyway, the Nugget's heart rate was 162 beats per minute and my fundal height was measuring right at 26 cm. So, by all objective measures, thins look good. I feel pretty good, too- except for the worry that I am not "normal" and am thereby going to miss some important clue that something is going wrong.

Next week I get to do the lovely glucola challenge. Yum. Or not.

Bumpdate 24 Weeks- And a rant.

First of all, my belly looks smaller than last week. Smaller, but pointy-er. Like the baby is not up in my stomach so much as down in my gut. Either way, the Nugget is all up in my organs. Particularly my diaphragm, which I am sure has been injured resulting in a hiatal hernia... hence all the heartburn. Thanks, kid:)

So, the good news: cervix is 2.6cm! And maybe I don't have to be high risk- just intermediate!

The bad news: my appointment sucked. Not that the doctor didn't tell me all that they know about my situation and discuss options given the various outcomes. He did. The problem is that that there is simply not much known about my particular situation. To be honest, most women who experience pre-term labor/delivery do so based on a few particular circumstances: pre-eclampsia/eclampsia (dangerously high blood pressure), trauma (injury of some sort that induces labor or causes a woman to be unable to continue carrying a child safely), drug abuse, or women who have a history of pre-term labor with or without cervical incompetence.

I do not fit any of those categories. The reason I am at a higher risk is because of the history of surgery I have had, including a major surgery on my cervix in August, 2009. There is no category for me. The number of women of childbearing age who have had the surgery I had last year and then gone on to conceive a child are few... un-studyable. Certainly, if anyone in the OB/GYN department at my institution has dealt with a woman with my history, they haven't told me or any of the other doctors (I always knew I was special.)

Since we can't really compare me to a similar group of people, we  really are in the dark about what to expect. At this point, things could go very wrong, very quickly... or not. My cervix could drastically shorten and open unexpectedly... and just as equally I could experience a failure of the cervix to open when it is supposed to! Or, things could be absolutely perfect for the rest of my pregnancy, and I could avoid the problem I had when I was pregnant with Abigail (low amniotic fluid) and have no complications from my clotting disorder. We just don't know. Which is terribly frustrating.

And which is why I was referred to the experts. Because while they don't know things- while they can't predict the future any more than you or I, they can certainly give an opinion. As a nurse and a doctor, John and I are rarely interested in opinions of health care providers, but in a situation like this, where he and I are both out of our element and where there is no "fact" available, we are looking for an educated opinion. That's really all I wanted.

And that is the one thing I didn't get.

I asked specific, reasonable questions and got crap for answers. The doctor continually stated that I should make the team aware of any "concerns", but when I asked how I should know when I to be "concerned," he gave me nothing. Are there any signs of a shortening cervix other than bloody discharge that I can look for at home? No, not really. Is there any way for me to tell if my contractions (which I have been having for weeks) are causing cervical change? Nope, although they can check me out if I go into the Labor and Deliver department. So how do I know when to be "concerned?" Well, just be aware of changes was the response that I got. Repeatedly I asked what kind of changes or what kind of symptoms I should look out for, and I got not a single objective measure. The doctor continually told me that if I "felt" different, I should be concerned... if things didn't seem "normal," I should call them.

Let me just rant for a moment...

1. I am pregnant. I "feel" differently all the time- literally from moment to moment. My feelings are volatile. Do you really want me to call you every time I "feel" different?

2. I am not sure I know what a "normal" pregnancy is supposed to "feel" like. In many ways, Abigail's pregnancy was so much more difficult than this pregnancy- I was vomiting constantly, more exhausted than I am now, and never once had a painful contraction until I was in active labor. This pregnancy has had shortness of breath, chest pain, intense contractions, heartburn, and very little vomiting- as well as off-the-charts levels of stress. Are either of those a "normal" pregnancy?

3. Why is he putting everything on me, as if it's my job to know what is "normal" in pregnancy? And why can't he give me any objective rather than subjective measures to guide my decision-making? We don't tell diabetics to go to the ER if they "feel" abnormal, we tell them to check their blood sugar and come to the ER if it is above or below certain numbers. We don't tell people to avoid their blood pressure medication if their heart rate is below normal- we tell them to avoid it if their heart rate is less than 60 (or 55, or 50 or whatever) beats per minute. So why am I being given subjective terms like "normal" and "feel."

4. I am all about trusting my gut- as a nurse, I do it frequently. But when there is a baby in my gut, I don't think my gut is very reliable.

5. Do you have any idea how stressful it is for me to think that if something were to happen- if something were to go wrong, it would be because I had a messed up sense of how I was supposed to "feel" and whether the way I felt was "normal"? I HAVE ENOUGH MOTHER-GUILT. I DON'T NEED ANYONE ADDING CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WOULD ONLY SERVE TO INCREASE MY GUILT LEVEL!

End rant.

So, not the most fulfilling doctor's appointment. We will meet back with my intermediate risk doctors next week and hopefully get a better idea of what we should be doing/not doing/monitoring for, etc...

On the other hand, the high risk doctor thought it would be okay to return the the "honeymooning" that John and I were missing out on:) Now, if only my stress level wasn't through the roof, John might be a happy husband!

Bumpdate 21 Weeks

I took the girls with me to my ultrasound last week. What fun:) I am not sure Anna connected the image on the machine screen to the baby in my belly, but Abigail loved it! The baby was quite clearly swallowing, which was interesting to watch on ultrasound, and the baby also gave a little wave. Both Abigail and Anna had fun touching the gel on my belly.

The cervix length is great, and the baby continues to look good. No chest pain, and just occasional shortness of breath. Nothing too exciting- just the way I like it!

We had our OB visit today, and spent about 15 minutes on the contraction monitor because I was having contractions about every 20 minutes at work. Seems that as soon as I put my feet up and relaxed, the contractions stopped:) Thatclearly means that I should put my feet up more often, right?

Bump Check- 19 Weeks

The baby has been tending to stay on the right side of my abdomen. Abigail carried the same way, until I went to the chiropractor at 34 weeks and had my hip adjusted into the right place. Guess where I am headed tomorrow afternoon?

Anna spent some time with a precious baby this afternoon... something she doesn't often have a chance to do. The little cutie was 7 months old, and Anna was both fascinated and afraid. We had a lovely discussion about babies, and she decided we should have a baby like that. She then reassured me,"don't worry, Daddy doesn't eat babies." Anna enjoyed holding hands with the baby, once she was reassured that she is allowed to touch the baby. Well, she enjoyed it until the baby, who is in that put-everything-in-the-mouth stage tried to put Anna's had into her mouth to much on. That freaked Anna out a bit:)

Abigail also played with the baby this afternoon, and I know she is going to rock as a big sister. She is so attentive, kind and patient. As a matter of fact, the other day she was complaining about being a big sister. "Sometimes I am doing something and Anna tells me to stop, even though I want to keep playing." We let her know that she can use a bit of her big sister power to say NO to the little sister... but it's just not in her nature. She loves to make her little sissy happy:) She's such a sweet girl.